Flu Shots

      I am aware this blog is mainly for my art, but since it is my blog, I can share wherever I choose. Here is a short story I wrote for a health course I am taking. It is slightly informative on flu shots, I found this hilarious and I hope you do too. (For blog viewers who are caught unaries, Taobao is basically Chines Amazon)

Bob walked out of his mushroom house at 8 in the morning on Sunday to get the morning paper. The headline read, “Contagious flu spreads rapidly!” He dropped the paper on the dining table and ran all the way to the doctor’s office in his bathrobe.

“Doctor! Doctor! I’m worried I will get the flu!” blurted Bob.

“Ah! You have come to the right place. I have a solution. Simply stand on a stool at noon and lick a lime.”

At noon that day Bob stood on a stool outside his house and licked a lime. He stood outside because the ceiling of his mushroom house was much too low. The next morning, Bob walked out of his mushroom house to pick up the morning paper. The headline read, “Lime lickers fall ill!”

Bob was shocked and ran all the way to the doctor’s office in his bathrobe.

“Doctor! Doctor! I’m worried I will get the flu!” blurted Bob.

“Ah! You have come to the right place. I have a solution. Buy a raccoon and spray paint a red star on it.”

“Why would a raccoon help prevent the flu?” asked Bob.

“Oh wait... That is my cure for SARS. But you have come to the right place. I have a solution. You must sit on a stool and play the accordion. It will be even more effective if you can play a Turkish cancan.”

That day at noon Bob sat on a stool and played a Turkish cancan on his accordion. His Turkish neighbor started dancing inside his own mushroom house, but stopped after he broke down his dining room wall with a quick step.

The next morning, Bob walked out of his mushroom house to pick up the morning paper. The headline read, “Accordion virtuosos take extended sick days!”

Bob was shocked and ran all the way to the doctor’s office in his bathrobe.

“Doctor! Doctor! I’m worried I will get the flu!” blurted Bob.

“Ah! You have come to the right place. I have a solution. Sit cross-legged on the ground holding a stool above your head and hum the Yugoslavian national anthem backwards.”

That day at noon Bob sat cross-legged on the ground holding a stool above his head and hummed the Yugoslavian national anthem backwards. The next morning, Bob walked out of his mushroom house to pick up the morning paper. The headline read, “Influenza spreads throughout backwards Yugoslavian national anthem hummers!”

Bob was shocked and ran toward the doctor’s office in his bathrobe. In his hurry, he stumbled over a small mushroom and collided with Jim. Jim got up as quickly as he could.

“I’m sorry. Are you alright?” asked Bob.

“Certainly! But I must get back to my mushroom as soon as possible,” said Jim.

“Why is that?”

“Why, today is November 11^th. Everything is half price on Taobao today!”

“I won’t hold you up any longer. I hope you get a good bargain,” said Bob as Jim hurried off.

Then Bob, forgetting the flu, hurried back to his own mushroom and began searching Taobao. He typed, “emerald-inset waffle makers”, but it auto corrected to “flu shots”. He pressed enter just as he realized the change. He was just about to retype “emerald-inset waffle makers” when he glanced at his search results. “Effective preventative for this year’s flu”.

“Aha,” said Bob to himself. This is just what he needed. He glanced at the price. “88 for the price of 1!” How very auspicious! Bob ordered one set of 88 flu shots to be delivered the next day.

The next morning, Bob walked out of his mushroom house to pick up the morning paper. Outside his house was also a box of 88 flu shots, but they had not been very well packed. So there were 88 needles sticking out of one side. He decided they must have gotten very dirty in the shipping process, so he took them to the post office and sent them back.

The next morning, Bob walked out of his mushroom house to pick up the morning paper. Next to the morning paper was a box of 88 flu shots. This time the Taobao seller had packed his box much better and there were no needles poking out. He took out one of the flu shots when he was back in his mushroom house and carefully followed all the instructions. The flu shot only prevented the majority of flu viruses, but Bob felt much safer. He was reaching for the morning paper when the doctor ran into his house saying, “Bob! Bob! I’m afraid I will get the flu!”

Bob looked at the morning paper. The headline read, “Arabian pastoral landscape painters come down with the flu”. Bob looked at the doctor. He was holding an Arabian paintbrush.

“Ah! You have come to the right place. I have a solution,” said Bob. Then Bob gave the doctor a flu shot.

“This shot only has three dead viruses in it, but those three are specifically chosen to treat most of this year’s flu threat. Also, it will take about two weeks for you to form a substantial immunity,” Bob explained. Even though he could still get the flu, the doctor felt much safer.

Just then Bob’s Turkish neighbor walked through the hole in his dining room over to Bob’s house. “Help! Help! I’m afraid I will get the flu,” said Bob’s Turkish neighbor.